It's Okay Not To Be Okay

Brayden 7Y6M0D
Bevlynn 3Y2M24D

It's okay not to be okay!
Countdown to things he does not know me well enough:

1. I don't hate Japanese cuisine. But I don't appreciate to be asked to eat only Japanese cuisine week after week whenever there are so many choices of food out there. There's lack of creativity and laziness in putting more thoughts into it. (Also, preferably no rice or heavy noodles due to diet control)

2. I don't need help with the children. But I don't appreciate it whenever he told me he'd only help when I asked. I did not ask does not mean I don't want it. I'd only wish for him to be more involved willingly.

3.  I don't like sharing about what happens at work. That does not mean I don't have a load of stress from work; travelling, partners issues, colleagues politics, etc... I just hate taking personal time to focus on work matters. 

4. I am okay with him playing Pokemon Go. But I don't appreciate he went missing in the middle of the night to hunt for some virtual characters. Especially when every night feels like a war zone in my bedroom with the children.  

5. I don't like words like "Your head" or some cantonese strong words directed at me. These words are disrespectful and lack of class. (My interval voice would reply "There's nothing wrong with my head")

6. I feel I had taken into account of everyone's needs first; my husband, family, children, parents, friends, colleagues but never put my needs high enough. 

7. After the long years together, he does not put any effort into planning or doing something nice for us (just the two of us). He'd always let me plan and make decisions. I like planning but that does not mean I don't look forward to mini surprises or something nice once a while.  

8. I don't appreciate it when I was working at home and he had to take care of the children, he'd show his dissatisfaction instead of empathy for working until late. How often does that happen? (That's why I don't bring home work but would rather work until very late alone in the office instead) 

9. I don't eat a lot because I had to control my intake. But he thought I am a small eater. I am hungry all the time. And whenever I had to feed my children and miss a meal, he did not even noticed. At times, I only take several mouths of what is leftover from the children. And I don't have time to eat until the next meal. He would think that you can go and eat anytime, but my children are "sticking to me like glue". I don't mind going hungry but I don't appreciate that he did not notice these little things.  

10. I don't appreciate that he kept asking me to quit and belittle my effort. It made me felt less of a contributor. But I know I am finding my best balance and also growing the best for the family. Encouragement would have given me more strength, than doubting my potential.  

I am dealing with forced role change at work and demotion, more travelling, pre-diabetic control of diet, family expectations, overload of work, young children care, helper issues, need to travel to grow new opportunities. I know it is just a phase, it will pass.

I don't need affirmation, I don't need gifts. All I ask for is a little more small acts of support and true love. 

What ever he DOES or he DOES NOT do, affects me more than any other stresses in life. I want to matter to him, I want to be an important part of his life.