It's Okay Not To Be Okay

Brayden 7Y6M0D
Bevlynn 3Y2M24D

It's okay not to be okay!
Countdown to things he does not know me well enough:

1. I don't hate Japanese cuisine. But I don't appreciate to be asked to eat only Japanese cuisine week after week whenever there are so many choices of food out there. There's lack of creativity and laziness in putting more thoughts into it. (Also, preferably no rice or heavy noodles due to diet control)

2. I don't need help with the children. But I don't appreciate it whenever he told me he'd only help when I asked. I did not ask does not mean I don't want it. I'd only wish for him to be more involved willingly.

3.  I don't like sharing about what happens at work. That does not mean I don't have a load of stress from work; travelling, partners issues, colleagues politics, etc... I just hate taking personal time to focus on work matters. 

4. I am okay with him playing Pokemon Go. But I don't appreciate he went missing in the middle of the night to hunt for some virtual characters. Especially when every night feels like a war zone in my bedroom with the children.  

5. I don't like words like "Your head" or some cantonese strong words directed at me. These words are disrespectful and lack of class. (My interval voice would reply "There's nothing wrong with my head")

6. I feel I had taken into account of everyone's needs first; my husband, family, children, parents, friends, colleagues but never put my needs high enough. 

7. After the long years together, he does not put any effort into planning or doing something nice for us (just the two of us). He'd always let me plan and make decisions. I like planning but that does not mean I don't look forward to mini surprises or something nice once a while.  

8. I don't appreciate it when I was working at home and he had to take care of the children, he'd show his dissatisfaction instead of empathy for working until late. How often does that happen? (That's why I don't bring home work but would rather work until very late alone in the office instead) 

9. I don't eat a lot because I had to control my intake. But he thought I am a small eater. I am hungry all the time. And whenever I had to feed my children and miss a meal, he did not even noticed. At times, I only take several mouths of what is leftover from the children. And I don't have time to eat until the next meal. He would think that you can go and eat anytime, but my children are "sticking to me like glue". I don't mind going hungry but I don't appreciate that he did not notice these little things.  

10. I don't appreciate that he kept asking me to quit and belittle my effort. It made me felt less of a contributor. But I know I am finding my best balance and also growing the best for the family. Encouragement would have given me more strength, than doubting my potential.  

I am dealing with forced role change at work and demotion, more travelling, pre-diabetic control of diet, family expectations, overload of work, young children care, helper issues, need to travel to grow new opportunities. I know it is just a phase, it will pass.

I don't need affirmation, I don't need gifts. All I ask for is a little more small acts of support and true love. 

What ever he DOES or he DOES NOT do, affects me more than any other stresses in life. I want to matter to him, I want to be an important part of his life. 

Luck at Timezone | Nightmares | Grandma's House

Brayden 7Y5M27D

Bevlynn 3Y2M20D

This past week felt like it was packed with many activities. My father's and father-in-law's birthday was this past week. We celebrated with FIL at Dian Xiao Er and also bought a cake at home. Ah Pa's birthday, we sang birthday song over Whatsapp call and Brayden played the piano for him.

There were 2 days Brayden has no school due to PSLE oral but we couldn't arrange any leave; it was too busy for me. We had many restructuring in the office and so it was busy in preparing for the new structure. 

During the weekend, we took Brayden to Timezone because he did very well in his "Ting Xie" Chinese class. At the entrance, there was an ongoing event for Kanoodle and a 1-on-1 challenge to win a free Kanoodle. We were challenging a mid-aged men and lucky thing, he wasn't very good and fast at solving the puzzle. Hence, we WON! Brayden was very delighted with the win. 

More luck was coming our way. I played the DragonBall slots and won more than 800 tickets after sticking the SUPER BONUS (500 tickets total).

We played with the children at the playground. Search for the missing small white cap. Brayden loved this game. After that, we went to a neighbourhood recycling area, where they had a short activity to teach the children about the benefits of recycling. 

It was the 15th Hungry Ghost Day. Last few nights I was having nightmares after nightmares. It could have been the stress from work, probably. 

One of the dreams was: that I was sleeping next to Bevlynn, the space felt odd although all seemed real and I tried waking up from the dream. I forced myself up and found myself in another dream. It was dream after dream after dream... was about 6 cycles or more. Then, in the last one, I was quickly running to the Buddha altar we had at home but the Buddha was not there - it was empty. Then I looked out the window in the direction of the temple near our house. The Buddha was huge and obvious but the eyes were firey red. I reached out my hand and as I was getting closer, I woke up finally. 

In another dream, I was in my old maternal grandmother's house. The one at the corner, where we used to visit and play. This time, the whole house was dark and full of snakes. 

It was not scary, but it reminded me so much of my grandmother and how we used to grow up there. It was a big semi-detach house, corner unit, at Relau beside the Pusat Pelancongan Relau. There was a small drain at the side of the house, which is very clean and had little longkang fishes in there. We will hop in the deep drain and try to catch some. There was one room which acted like a store room, filled and packed with old stuff. At the side compound of the house, there was a small altar house which was right under a jambu tree. Beside the garden compound, my grandmother grew some vegetable plots and also have a chicken & duck coop at the corner. Far behind the house, my uncle used the space to breed hamsters. It was a good business back then. They used to sell the hamsters in front of the house during the weekly night market along the stretch. My grandmother used to love sitting on the big swing in front of the house to watch cars passed by and to chat with my Mom. Photo of the old house below: Ahh the good ol' times... such fond memories of her. 

      

 

Days of Chinese Opera| Watching Malaysia Olympics

Brayden 7Y5M18D

Bevlynn 3Y2M11D

This week I have 2 sick children at home. Vomiting like little Merlions, Diarrhea, Fever. 

On the Monday, all of us even overslept for 30 minutes, Brayden was late to school and missed assembly. He was so sad and cried hysterically; asking why we did not wake him earlier.... As soon as he stepped into school, the assembly was dismissed and he went back to class together with the crowd. 

Bevlynn on the other hand was all happy because there was no school for her. She was showing her heart-shaped hand gesture and said "I love you Mommy". She's a sweet girl. 

This week is the start of Hungry Ghost Month. I was talking to my colleagues about the good old times. Then we spoke of the times when we were going to the temporary Chinese opera in a dialect (Teochew / Hokkien / Cantonese). My grandparents and parents would be us to the temple near Bukit Dumbar. There, outside would be some stalls for desserts chengt'ng, koay teow t'ng, kacang puteh, laksa, pohpiah, and others.. We would often go and watch those performances and the back of the opera would be a Chinese band, loud and sharp. The storylines were often from olden times about love, judge, sword fighting. Sometimes they would also have the Getai or mini puppet show. Just last year, we saw the mini puppet Bukit Jambul temple right beside our Penang home. How we would always believe that the front rows are for the VVVIPs and should be left empty. There would be subtitle at the side of the stage. It was always crowded. It's such a rare sight nowadays. As we grew, lesser younger generations know how to perform and enjoy these performances. They would prefer the singing Getai as it is more modern and hip. It is mostly only Getai now, as the Chinese Opera and mini Puppet show are getting expensive to host too.

This week is the Singapore National Day. It was very nice that we were able to go to Singapore Yatch Club for a swim with Jane's and Huiwen's family. Brayden won 2nd in class for his outfit for National Day Theme - just because he had a red cap on. The children repeatly sang the theme songs from NDP - Road Ahead and Not Alone. 

Also, the Olympics finals in Paris 2024 this week were mashed with ups and downs. The badminton, kierin and diving events. There were not much luck, end up with either bronze or no medal. Nevertheless, we were screaming and cheering for the team. They have put their lives in to give the best, and to lose, they would have been hit the hardest. They have given their all, they did well and great!

Today, we saw Mediacorp shooting a movie at the staircase beside our block. Then I saw the actor, Li and he's still looking so good even at his age - close to 60. He gave a nice smile as we were shyly trying to avoid the scene and quickly rushing the kids out (they were slowly picking some flowers and patting the kitten). 

Brayden Sleep Walking | Bevlynn Funny and Clumsy as a Bear

Brayden 7Y5M10D

Bevlynn 3Y2M3D

This week, Bevlynn had been hurting herself. She caught her finger on the poolside drain and part of her skin was abrased. Her fingers' skin was soft after swimming and soaking in water for over half an hour, so it easily tore. We quickly washed away and asked for some gauze to stop the bleeding. 

She even knocked her head on the door so hard while she was opening it, there was a big round blue-black right immediately. This little girl is as clumsy as a baby bear. 

There are some funny times this week too. 

Scene 1 : 

She was in the room asking: 

Bev : "Papa can I watch Teebee (TV)?" 

Papa : "No"

Bev :"3 minute please" (showing her finger sign)

Papa : "No, no TV"

She came out to the living and said : "Mommy, Papa said yes, can watch TV" 

Papa shouted from the room : "NO! I NEVER SAID YES!"

She looked pleased and had a smile....

Scene 2 :

Bev on her stroller on her way back

Bev : "Mommy, we go playground-lah!"

Mommy amused and thinking why this girl has already picked up the slang :"No baby, the playground is too hot"

Bev : "We go westmall-lah"

Mommy : "No, we go school ok?" (Cheekily, there is no school on Saturday)

Bev : "Don't want~~! No go school" 

Mommy ; "Teacher Charmaine miss you"

Bev : "Of course, of course... no." 

Mommy : "Then we go home ok? Today no school."

Bev : "Okay~~"

Scene 3 :

Brayden was sleepwalking from his bed to the main door.

Shouting "no push. no push" 

Hubs walked to him "go back to sleep" 

Brayden : "No no no....! No push!"

Hubs : "You are just dreaming, go back to sleep!"

Brayden the next day, don't remember anything at all that happened. 

Scene 4 : 

Hubs fetch Bevlynn from school

Bev : "Papa where is Momo?"

Hubs : "Momo at home" 

Bev : "I want Momo fetch me" 

Hubs : "Why?"

Bev : "Of course Momo my best friend, Papa not my best friend. You never fetch me." 

Papa heart break.... 

I had dinner with a business partner owner. She was getting all teared-eyed while we discuss about her mother being so busy during her childhood that she felt her mother sacrificed a lot in order to give them the most. I thought to myself --- I had been thinking of building a business, but what I have now is the best; I have my family-time, I can see my children grow... I might miss all these things I truly valued if I spent so much time away... Family comes first!