I love this moment

Brayden 6Y, 1M, 24D

Bevlynn 1Y, 10M, 17D

The past week was very busy. 

We had a good party celebration at Jurong Safra, play time at Ikea and swimming for the two kids. Those two kids drained all of our energy. Where did they get their energy from? 

I love this moment though. The moment when these children just happily jumped into the swimming pool (Bev still with diapers on). We did not even prepare the swimming attire for them. The way they play without worries reminds us that life has more to give than being in constant chase of material stuff. 

I love this moment. The moment when every waking day. I look forward to waking up with the children next to you and giving soft butterfly kisses. They look at you with their eyes full of hope and when you are the world to them; the whole world would melt away at that moment. Nothing fully matters more than having them in your arms. 

I love this moment. When I can carry and hold them for long hours, even their weight can almost break my back. Bev is 12kg and Bray is 20kg now. I'd probably need a good massage later, but all worth it. 

I love this moment. I will surely miss this moment. 

Their favourite cartoon is now Pokemon and Zombie vs Plant. Funny how Bev always say "Bie", "Chu" and "Die". These two fight but love each other as much. 

They remind us to be children again - love unconditionally and play innocently.

  

Who am I?

When asked this question, I scrabble to find the defining word. Can one word truly represent a person and her life?


LEARNER
If there is one word I could choose, this would be it. I find myself after so many years of living I am still learning. There is no end to it. Learning to be a daughter, sister, mother and wife. There are many wonders in life not discovered and terrains unexplored. I wonder if a lifetime is enough to learn all the wisdom of life. All I can do is to take baby steps to enrich my knowledge.
I am curious at how some can learn to reach great heights of success. Do these successful people still question who they are? Perhaps not. Maybe I will turn out to be like them someday.


I hope my capacity to learn continues to expand endlessly and the fire of curiosity within me burns intensely until the very last day of my life.


This is who I am today and forever will be.

I clicked PAUSE for a moment of reflection

I am on hospitalization leave for two weeks.
During this time, there is a moment to PAUSE in the forward flowing time and so much reflection of life has taken place.

What is life to me? to all of us?

I lost a beautiful young one 2 weeks ago. One that I barely got to touch in my hands, one that could not open the eyes to see this world as it is now.
The year is 2020. It is the year that started with so much headlines on the coronavirus spreading like a silent wildfire in the dryest forest. We cannot see the spread but we can feel the damages to wherever it crosses path. It is such a devastating state; fear, starvation, joblessness, pain, deaths all around the world at a much faster speed. It surely is not a nice sight to be coming to a world at this time.

We are asked to stay home.
This is the time to appreciate the luxury of family time, to place priorities on what is needed over what is wanted.

I had time to finish 3 good reads. One about not worrying during the darkest lowest moments, One about never fearing to make a change because the comfort of staying the same is the riskiest step, One about the secrets and mantras of life. 
All three gave me a good look at where I am now in life and how I want to move forward. I need a RESET after this PAUSE. That's where I will start - to make a small positive change everyday until it creates a ripple effect to my surroundings.
 

The Past will not continue to mould the Future, it is the things you decide to do NOW.

The things that happened in the past, does not stop you from who you wanted to be.

Even if you recall something bad someone has done to you, do not allow it to stop you from who you are and wanted to be.

Celebrate on the days when you are happy in the past and never bring dwell in the unhappy moments.

During my wedding eve, I was looking forward to the wedding and was in my couple pink night gown bought specially for the wedding night. 
I was nervous and happy. 

We were eating the tong yuan prepared by ah Mi and it was hard and big. It was hard to swallow. Ah pa almost choked on the tong yuan. Ah Mi and I giggled. 

Then after awhile, there was a loud crash outside, we ran out and saw that the "Tian Gong" alter has shattered to the floor. It must the weight on the alter that give way. 
I was devastated but I comforted everyone with a loud laugh. I jokingly said it must be God's sign to let us know the lucky number is 8322. Uncle Aun was trying to comfort everyone too as he picked up the altar and placed it on a temporary table. 

Ahh, What a night! I did the flowers and told everyone to go to sleep first. When everyone was about to go to bed, I gestured Max to go to the kitchen with me. 

I have a few more things to prepare for the gate crash. I was preparing for the wedding game preps with Max in the kitchen. It was about 3 am and it was about time to sleep but still we couldn't without finishing the work. 

Then suddenly we heard a loud yell, a familiar man's voice. It was ah Pa's. He slammed the door really hard. He was trying to make a strong impression. We thought he was asleep. We had disturbed him in his sleep and he was upset. 

I have not seen him so angry for a very very long time. It was not a beautiful sight. 
Ah Mi rushed to our aid and shielded us from the front. Max was being defensive too. I could see ah Pa's eyes turning bloodshot red. He was yelling on top of his voice, " Didn't I told you to go to sleep already! What are you two still doing? Call off tomorrow's wedding" 
From it all, we cannot separate the drunk from our dad. He must had a lil too much to drink that night but that is no excuse for him to react the way he reacted. 

We left all our unfinished work and ran into the Master's bedroom, we locked ourselves in. Ah mi, Max, me. We heard more commotion outside, as though things were thrown on the floor, we heard from the room, glass shattering, it wasn't over. 
Ah mi was in tears, I was too. Max was mumbling in soft whispers "He is going mad. I will give him a fight if I must" 

After like what seems to be forever, we heard ah Pa's room door closed. It became silent. 

We packed and sneaked out from the house. On the way out, I saw the table where the "Tian Gong" alter was flipped onto the garden. All things were overthrown onto the ground. What a mess it was!
Ah Mi called Uncle Kim, Auntie Cheng and Uncle Aun to checked on Ah Pa. To make sure, he was ok. 

We drove to the mansion where CJ and family is staying for the night. 
It was dark. Somehow, it was a relief to see him.
Although we weren't suppose to see each other by Chinese customs on the night before the wedding, all that just didn't mattered to me anymore.  

I cried again. Ah Mi was not sleeping at all, she was trying to comfort me. Many things ran through my mind, how could he do this to me? My own father, on the eve of my wedding? I really couldn't find myself to forgive this man that night. I don't recognize him at all. 

I had to cry myself to sleep. It was.... a .....loooong...... unforgettable.... night..... 

Love, Jo.